On Pain, featuring a snippet from That Time He Broke Me

I know this isn't the NEEHU posts yet... but I have been writing! And I wanted to update. Might be worth noting here that I always have safewords.

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It is very, very easy to write about hypnosis. With hypnosis, I know how to get the desired response out of my reader. It is the response I got out of myself. I know how to put into words the mindset and the sensations and the state of being. It is familiar; it is enjoyable.

It is very, very hard to write about pain.

The descriptors I use become meaningless words on a page, pixels on a screen. “Pain” does no justice to the way I'm made to scream when I'm hit, the way the impact burns and the way that sensation overwhelms me. I am left unsatisfied when I read over the snippets of my masochistic scenes. There is simply no written comparison to how the fear grips at me and holds me shaking in desperation.

I fixate, in my mind, on those tiny moments when everything is too real, when those countless blows that have come before have left me an absolute mess, twisting away in terror, aching and sore.

There is no way I can express how utterly sincerely I beg for it to stop; there is no way I can express how it feels when my pleas are ignored.

I do not yet know how to write about the tears, how to explain what it feels like when I am so helpless and abused out of my control that there is nothing left for me to do but cry. Nothing can compare to that moment of realization; panicked, desperate, defeated.

Broken.

It is hard to accept that I can't make my words on pain as accessible as my words on pleasure. I'm left to close my eyes and dig my nails into my palm and replay the scene in my mind. Intensity is lost when I put those thoughts down. The ability to relate is lost when I put those thoughts down.

It is very, very hard to show why I like to be hurt.

But I will keep trying.

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Snippet follows.

NEEHU 4: Aftershocks

(Posted a bit later over here. Relevant more to attendees, but relevant nonetheless.)

I need to write something quick before I start on properly logging this weekend.

As I type, it's 3:00 am on Monday morning, and I'm sitting in my bed at home (which is both at home and also a bed, two things that I had forgotten existed). I have gotten about 11 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. I haven't gone to bed yet.

I want to express gratitude and joy to an immeasurable amount of people, but I know that as soon as I thank anyone, I will forget someone.

(But I absolutely have to say thank you to all of the Society members who open, close, clean, cook for, and tend to the space that I've grown to love so much. The members who do that every weekend. I got a very condensed experience of doing all of that, and I have taken the work that you all do for granted. So thank you, and keep on rocking this place. Enlist me for help if you ever need it.)

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But this isn't a "thank-you" post. This is a "NEEHU 4 is over" post. This is a "holy shit, there's a world outside of the hypnokink community?!" post. This is a "so... when's NEEHU 5 again?" post.

I hate to sound cliche (not really), but it was pretty much everything I dreamed it would be, and more. I got to provide service to the community (my community) in what felt like very significant ways by cooking for everyone; by opening and setting up and closing down the space for everyone.

And of course, there was the con itself, and yes, how incredible and exciting that was. Panels and lectures abound. The atmosphere. The feeling of openness and camaraderie and just being plain comfortable in my own skin. Quite literally, in many cases. I got to meet and talk to and even trance with people I very, very much admire, whether I've known their names for years or for days. I got to soak in the expertise of community leaders; I never stopped learning and listening.

It was an honor. Everything. Every moment, from slicing cucumbers to discussing hypnokinky issues and theory, to speaking on a panel, to streaking down the hall with my partner in crime, to showing up an hour early to clean, to having my brain messed with by some of those I quite look up to.

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It's 3:18 am now. This bed feels too much like a bed. This apartment feels too unlike a hotel room. I miss my friends. I want to get breakfast with all of you tomorrow and make thinly-veiled trancey innuendo when perhaps we really shouldn't.

Goodnight everyone. I hope you all had as much fun as I did. But I'm sure you didn't.

NEEHU 4: A Retrospective Prologue

Two years ago, after some years of on-and-off lurking erotic hypnosis groups and mind control porn sites, I stumbled upon the existence of something called “NEEHU”, where pervy people – just like me – got together for a weekend of trancey fun. I was familiar with the “big names”; all of the well-known internet handles I knew would go and congregate for this one event.

I said to myself, after reading various accounts and downloading some new hypnotic mp3, “Hey, maybe someday you'll go and have a grand old time. Maybe someday you'll meet all these people; maybe someday you'll be able to talk about this weird interest of yours.” It was a fantasy back then – and indeed I treated it as such, writing small, personal stories about what visiting an erotic hypnosis convention/conference would be like, thinking about how much fun that would be. Some small part of me knew I'd never actually go. How could I? I was going to take this secret to my grave. And then I went back to MCStories to schlick to my heart's content.

But here's the thing:

NEEHU 4 is in just a few days.

I am on the attendee list.

I am going to be volunteering to help with the con.

I will be speaking at a panel.

...I think back on these last two years fondly; I think of how far I've come in such a short amount of time; how many people I've had the good fortune to meet and play with; how much I've been able to accomplish, as a subject and a 'tist, in Real Life. It's humbling beyond belief.

And I think back on that young, terrified girl, not able to even say the word “hypnosis” without stuttering and blushing, and I just smile, and think of how lucky I am.

NEEHU 4 is in a few days. NEEHU 4 is held at the dungeon I've been frequenting for the last half of a year. NEEHU 4 is being set up by someone I've met and scened with. NEEHU 4 is going to be attended by many people I've met, online and offline.

I am truly blessed.

I am beyond ecstatic.

Expect updates.

- sg

The Time I Finally Felt Comfortable Saying I Was a Masochist (and Other Memories)

I was hesitant to put this up. None of this has to do with hypnosis, though the usual suspects (AmHypnotic and MentalConfetti, namely) were around. I'm certain trancey fun happened that night, but that's not what this blog is about. This blog is about my masochistic side, and I'll warn that it was one of the most intense scenes (emotionally and physically) I've ever had in that respect.

It was Halloween.

To be more accurate, it was 10/27/12.

Imagine, if you would, what you might think a BDSM dungeon normally looks like... Lights a bit dimmed, shining on all sorts of equipment; tools, interesting furniture scattered around the main space; chains, boards studded with O-rings, St. Andrew's crosses... Much of it follows a black-and-red theme; a little bit stereotypical, just for the fun of it.

Now imagine what that dungeon would look like when all decked out for a Halloween party.

I was in the Misty costume I made 3 years ago (and used almost every year since). Almost everyone else was dressed appropriately as well. The space was buzzing with activity and excitement, Halloween-themed scenes left and right, and candy was our main source of sustenance.

DaSade and I got to have quite a bit of fun that night.

Boston Invasion, Or, the Six-and-a-Half-Page-Scene

Getting blog posts out without obsessing over them too much is always a goal. So when I started writing this night down and was 3 pages but less than halfway through the first scene, I decided we'd focus on that. Also, the NEXT Boston Invasion event is coming up, and I figured I should get the one from FOUR MONTHS AGO out of the way before going. :)

10/6/12. Just a week after our incredible, extended shenanigans from Photo Night (and the sleepover with AmHypnotic and MentalConfetti the night before) was an event at Our Local Dungeon(TM) called “Boston Invasion”, where kinksters from the scene came down in droves (read: tens) for a night of play and activities. I knew it was going to be well-attended, and DaSade (a member on the board, who I'd played with before) had asked me, a while beforehand, if I wanted to help provide entertainment for the night.

Namely, he was looking for someone to be a “victim” in a predicament bondage scene that was to be a “dinner show” of sorts for the guests.

When I got the invitation from him, I think I had to bite my lip around a squee. A predicament bondage show? My kinky, exhibitionist self was overjoyed at the idea. I accepted readily, and so, we began to make plans.

Cookie Break

I wanted a story. It didn't exist yet, so I wrote it. :) I was very much in the mood for a little bit of porny and a little bit of happy, so that's what this is. It's a little bit longer than the original pieces I've written before, coming in at ~1800 words, and as such, it's slightly less straight-up-porn. I hope you enjoy it.

(MF, MD, hypnosis)

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The night was a blur up to that point, quite literally – something told her that her head had been so thoroughly messed with that nothing, save perhaps a few words from him, would clear the fog.

The Weekend (9/28 - 9/29)

Only 3 months late! *cough* So... this is long. Almost Hypnoclub-long. And similarly eventful. Sorry I glance over a few parts here and there, but I needed to get this out. HERE WE GO.

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I can’t tell you how happy I was to be lying face-down, shirtless, on AmHypnotic’s floor while MentalConfetti, also shirtless, drew on my back and Dragonball Z Abridged played on the TV through an VGA cable.

So, how was your Friday night?

MentalConfetti, a while ago, once threw out the idea of a sleepover at AmHypnotic’s place to me. I agreed heartily, hypothetically. But I didn’t really think it would come to fruition... at least, perhaps not so soon.

A month before this begins, I checked the calendar to our local BDSM dungeon to see if there would be any photo days, as pictures are not allowed normally in the space, and I do enjoy having photos for myself. When I saw that there would be one in the semi-near future, I mentioned it to MentalConfetti to see if she and AmHypnotic might want to go. Later, she said that they could both make it, and I was quite pleased with our plans.

And then, maybe a day later, she asks if I might want to sleep over AmHypnotic’s apartment the night prior.