On Pain, featuring a snippet from That Time He Broke Me

I know this isn't the NEEHU posts yet... but I have been writing! And I wanted to update. Might be worth noting here that I always have safewords.

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It is very, very easy to write about hypnosis. With hypnosis, I know how to get the desired response out of my reader. It is the response I got out of myself. I know how to put into words the mindset and the sensations and the state of being. It is familiar; it is enjoyable.

It is very, very hard to write about pain.

The descriptors I use become meaningless words on a page, pixels on a screen. “Pain” does no justice to the way I'm made to scream when I'm hit, the way the impact burns and the way that sensation overwhelms me. I am left unsatisfied when I read over the snippets of my masochistic scenes. There is simply no written comparison to how the fear grips at me and holds me shaking in desperation.

I fixate, in my mind, on those tiny moments when everything is too real, when those countless blows that have come before have left me an absolute mess, twisting away in terror, aching and sore.

There is no way I can express how utterly sincerely I beg for it to stop; there is no way I can express how it feels when my pleas are ignored.

I do not yet know how to write about the tears, how to explain what it feels like when I am so helpless and abused out of my control that there is nothing left for me to do but cry. Nothing can compare to that moment of realization; panicked, desperate, defeated.

Broken.

It is hard to accept that I can't make my words on pain as accessible as my words on pleasure. I'm left to close my eyes and dig my nails into my palm and replay the scene in my mind. Intensity is lost when I put those thoughts down. The ability to relate is lost when I put those thoughts down.

It is very, very hard to show why I like to be hurt.

But I will keep trying.

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Snippet follows.

The Time I Finally Felt Comfortable Saying I Was a Masochist (and Other Memories)

I was hesitant to put this up. None of this has to do with hypnosis, though the usual suspects (AmHypnotic and MentalConfetti, namely) were around. I'm certain trancey fun happened that night, but that's not what this blog is about. This blog is about my masochistic side, and I'll warn that it was one of the most intense scenes (emotionally and physically) I've ever had in that respect.

It was Halloween.

To be more accurate, it was 10/27/12.

Imagine, if you would, what you might think a BDSM dungeon normally looks like... Lights a bit dimmed, shining on all sorts of equipment; tools, interesting furniture scattered around the main space; chains, boards studded with O-rings, St. Andrew's crosses... Much of it follows a black-and-red theme; a little bit stereotypical, just for the fun of it.

Now imagine what that dungeon would look like when all decked out for a Halloween party.

I was in the Misty costume I made 3 years ago (and used almost every year since). Almost everyone else was dressed appropriately as well. The space was buzzing with activity and excitement, Halloween-themed scenes left and right, and candy was our main source of sustenance.

DaSade and I got to have quite a bit of fun that night.

Boston Invasion, Or, the Six-and-a-Half-Page-Scene

Getting blog posts out without obsessing over them too much is always a goal. So when I started writing this night down and was 3 pages but less than halfway through the first scene, I decided we'd focus on that. Also, the NEXT Boston Invasion event is coming up, and I figured I should get the one from FOUR MONTHS AGO out of the way before going. :)

10/6/12. Just a week after our incredible, extended shenanigans from Photo Night (and the sleepover with AmHypnotic and MentalConfetti the night before) was an event at Our Local Dungeon(TM) called “Boston Invasion”, where kinksters from the scene came down in droves (read: tens) for a night of play and activities. I knew it was going to be well-attended, and DaSade (a member on the board, who I'd played with before) had asked me, a while beforehand, if I wanted to help provide entertainment for the night.

Namely, he was looking for someone to be a “victim” in a predicament bondage scene that was to be a “dinner show” of sorts for the guests.

When I got the invitation from him, I think I had to bite my lip around a squee. A predicament bondage show? My kinky, exhibitionist self was overjoyed at the idea. I accepted readily, and so, we began to make plans.

The Weekend (9/28 - 9/29)

Only 3 months late! *cough* So... this is long. Almost Hypnoclub-long. And similarly eventful. Sorry I glance over a few parts here and there, but I needed to get this out. HERE WE GO.

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I can’t tell you how happy I was to be lying face-down, shirtless, on AmHypnotic’s floor while MentalConfetti, also shirtless, drew on my back and Dragonball Z Abridged played on the TV through an VGA cable.

So, how was your Friday night?

MentalConfetti, a while ago, once threw out the idea of a sleepover at AmHypnotic’s place to me. I agreed heartily, hypothetically. But I didn’t really think it would come to fruition... at least, perhaps not so soon.

A month before this begins, I checked the calendar to our local BDSM dungeon to see if there would be any photo days, as pictures are not allowed normally in the space, and I do enjoy having photos for myself. When I saw that there would be one in the semi-near future, I mentioned it to MentalConfetti to see if she and AmHypnotic might want to go. Later, she said that they could both make it, and I was quite pleased with our plans.

And then, maybe a day later, she asks if I might want to sleep over AmHypnotic’s apartment the night prior.

The Second Dungeon Visit feat. A Recap, an Explanation, and an Apology

Alright...

Ahem.

Basically in the last 3 months... tons stuff at the dungeon has happened, it has all been lots of fun. I was going to tell you in excruciating detail, and then work / life / stress happened, and I couldn't.  I'm being commanded to not stress about it, so I'm being a good obedient girl.

I apologize to my readers who wanted to see fully fleshed-out posts for all three of these, but the length of time that’s gone by makes it really difficult to get certain details on paper, and it’s preventing me from working on any current material.

That being said and out of the way, I still have 10+ pages of unfinishedish material on these three events I was going to write about. And I really do want to post some sort of summary or update on what the heck I've been getting up to. So this post will hopefully serve as a recap and summary of sorts of the first event, chronologically, with bits of the original posts put in. This post in particular was already almost finished... so it will probably be the closest to a fully-fledged narrative.

So, let’s begin where we left off... With MentalConfetti and AmHypnotic, at the mall and shopping for an outfit before an event, later that night, at the dungeon.

My First Time at a Dungeon, feat. AmHypnotic and SpringofHope, or, Happy Birthday to Me feat. Hypnosis and Rope

Fondly known, sometimes, by my friends and I as “that time I went to a BDSM dungeon”.

August 5^th was my 21^st birthday, and for a while now I have been planning on going to the dungeon near me, where you need to be 21 or older to get in. AmHypnotic approved of this plan and told me he (and MentalConfetti) would be there on the 11^th. I marked the date down in my calendar, and waited.

And before I knew it, I was on the highway to get there, bursting with excitement and singing along merrily and obnoxiously to my “I’m driving” playlist.