The Naming (10/14)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Clay

Asleep, in that very special way, in that very special place. Quiet, withdrawn, listening with passive excitement. Open, laying down in DaSade's arms, on the floor. The discomfort, if there is any, is unnoticed at best and irrelevant at worst.

As he speaks to me, I can feel the shift of when he clicks with something; finds an idea and a metaphor he wants to latch onto. It's subtle but thrilling every time; exploring with him as he does so with me.

I feel his fingers run across my scalp, and then feel them reach into my mind.

Coffee

DaSade and I get coffee on Sundays. It is our tradition; it's our time out together, to chat and process and just be in each others presence. Sometimes we have a lot to say, sometimes there are many quiet moments while we sit and look across the table at one another. Reading expressions, talking without saying anything. Hearing so much in just our breaths.

This was one of those times. We would have our bursts of conversation, but fall back into that appreciative silence.

There is a back corner of the coffeeshop we're in; usually we're sitting there at one of the tables a little further from the ears of others, but today, the room is being cleaned, so we are out front. My back is to that room, currently closed off by a sliding door.

“Look at the door behind you.” I give him an inquisitive eyebrow, not wanting to ogle something I shouldn't, but he's waiting for me to complete the instruction. I turn, and look for anything out of place, but it's just as it was before.

My eyes return to his. I don't speak.

His voice is low, words meant just for me, and he doesn't break eye contact:

“In your mind's eye...”

Magic words. Words that engage a special part of me; not by post-hypnotic suggestion, but purely by association, expectation, practice.

NEEHU5: Intro-ish

NEEHU5. My second year. A lot has changed... but my excitement remains. As the date approaches, it transforms once again from “that thing on the calendar that you had to pull teeth at work to get time off for” to a real, genuine, happening-oh-my-god thing. The internets are abuzz and it's easy to get intimidated and caught up in the undertow, simultaneously. So many familiar faces and usernames, all to be in one place. My pulse races when I check the group postings.

I miss all of you.

And all of this.

Since last year, I've done very little hypnosis as compared to all the Other Stuff I've been up to. I haven't had the time, and quite frankly, Other Stuff has been quenching certain thirsts for the time being.

My play partnership with DaSade was going strong through NEEHU4 but blossomed into a capital-R Relationship (and spread to include his wife, cckitten) in November. We have been exploring and bonding for the past few months, and to my pleasant surprise, the two of them would be attending NEEHU5 (perhaps not entirely without my influence, if unintended).

DaSade is not into hypnosis. The play we do together is heavily psychological, which is part of why we work so well together, but hypnosis is not something he was interested in. His reasons for going to the conference were to learn, to be able to converse with me and others, and to see where that took him.

Cckitten was new to everything as well, but she and I had already talked about me hypnotizing her. I had spent the past couple months teasing her about just when that was going to happen, setting up her expectations and playing with her anticipation. And of course a healthy amount of conditioning.

The week prior, I set up a trigger with her as a mutual gift for DaSade's birthday, which just so happened to be the Thursday of NEEHU5.

But that was the extent of our experience with hypnosis as a triad. I was really looking forward to introducing them to my community. I take pride in my trancey people. I wanted to show this group of people off to my chosen family, and conversely, show off my relationship to my community.

A mixing of worlds, flavored by the thrill of new and old friends, and the one topic in this world for which my passion runs the deepest.

DaSade and cc, meet hypnosis. Hypnosis, meet my couple.

Let's do this.

On Pain, featuring a snippet from That Time He Broke Me

I know this isn't the NEEHU posts yet... but I have been writing! And I wanted to update. Might be worth noting here that I always have safewords.

--

It is very, very easy to write about hypnosis. With hypnosis, I know how to get the desired response out of my reader. It is the response I got out of myself. I know how to put into words the mindset and the sensations and the state of being. It is familiar; it is enjoyable.

It is very, very hard to write about pain.

The descriptors I use become meaningless words on a page, pixels on a screen. “Pain” does no justice to the way I'm made to scream when I'm hit, the way the impact burns and the way that sensation overwhelms me. I am left unsatisfied when I read over the snippets of my masochistic scenes. There is simply no written comparison to how the fear grips at me and holds me shaking in desperation.

I fixate, in my mind, on those tiny moments when everything is too real, when those countless blows that have come before have left me an absolute mess, twisting away in terror, aching and sore.

There is no way I can express how utterly sincerely I beg for it to stop; there is no way I can express how it feels when my pleas are ignored.

I do not yet know how to write about the tears, how to explain what it feels like when I am so helpless and abused out of my control that there is nothing left for me to do but cry. Nothing can compare to that moment of realization; panicked, desperate, defeated.

Broken.

It is hard to accept that I can't make my words on pain as accessible as my words on pleasure. I'm left to close my eyes and dig my nails into my palm and replay the scene in my mind. Intensity is lost when I put those thoughts down. The ability to relate is lost when I put those thoughts down.

It is very, very hard to show why I like to be hurt.

But I will keep trying.

--

Snippet follows.

The Time I Finally Felt Comfortable Saying I Was a Masochist (and Other Memories)

I was hesitant to put this up. None of this has to do with hypnosis, though the usual suspects (AmHypnotic and MentalConfetti, namely) were around. I'm certain trancey fun happened that night, but that's not what this blog is about. This blog is about my masochistic side, and I'll warn that it was one of the most intense scenes (emotionally and physically) I've ever had in that respect.

It was Halloween.

To be more accurate, it was 10/27/12.

Imagine, if you would, what you might think a BDSM dungeon normally looks like... Lights a bit dimmed, shining on all sorts of equipment; tools, interesting furniture scattered around the main space; chains, boards studded with O-rings, St. Andrew's crosses... Much of it follows a black-and-red theme; a little bit stereotypical, just for the fun of it.

Now imagine what that dungeon would look like when all decked out for a Halloween party.

I was in the Misty costume I made 3 years ago (and used almost every year since). Almost everyone else was dressed appropriately as well. The space was buzzing with activity and excitement, Halloween-themed scenes left and right, and candy was our main source of sustenance.

DaSade and I got to have quite a bit of fun that night.

Boston Invasion, Or, the Six-and-a-Half-Page-Scene

Getting blog posts out without obsessing over them too much is always a goal. So when I started writing this night down and was 3 pages but less than halfway through the first scene, I decided we'd focus on that. Also, the NEXT Boston Invasion event is coming up, and I figured I should get the one from FOUR MONTHS AGO out of the way before going. :)

10/6/12. Just a week after our incredible, extended shenanigans from Photo Night (and the sleepover with AmHypnotic and MentalConfetti the night before) was an event at Our Local Dungeon(TM) called “Boston Invasion”, where kinksters from the scene came down in droves (read: tens) for a night of play and activities. I knew it was going to be well-attended, and DaSade (a member on the board, who I'd played with before) had asked me, a while beforehand, if I wanted to help provide entertainment for the night.

Namely, he was looking for someone to be a “victim” in a predicament bondage scene that was to be a “dinner show” of sorts for the guests.

When I got the invitation from him, I think I had to bite my lip around a squee. A predicament bondage show? My kinky, exhibitionist self was overjoyed at the idea. I accepted readily, and so, we began to make plans.

The Weekend (9/28 - 9/29)

Only 3 months late! *cough* So... this is long. Almost Hypnoclub-long. And similarly eventful. Sorry I glance over a few parts here and there, but I needed to get this out. HERE WE GO.

--

I can’t tell you how happy I was to be lying face-down, shirtless, on AmHypnotic’s floor while MentalConfetti, also shirtless, drew on my back and Dragonball Z Abridged played on the TV through an VGA cable.

So, how was your Friday night?

MentalConfetti, a while ago, once threw out the idea of a sleepover at AmHypnotic’s place to me. I agreed heartily, hypothetically. But I didn’t really think it would come to fruition... at least, perhaps not so soon.

A month before this begins, I checked the calendar to our local BDSM dungeon to see if there would be any photo days, as pictures are not allowed normally in the space, and I do enjoy having photos for myself. When I saw that there would be one in the semi-near future, I mentioned it to MentalConfetti to see if she and AmHypnotic might want to go. Later, she said that they could both make it, and I was quite pleased with our plans.

And then, maybe a day later, she asks if I might want to sleep over AmHypnotic’s apartment the night prior.